Amy Robach and T.J. Holmes spent most of their careers skipping the holidays — the news doesn’t sleep (or feast), and neither did they! Now the couple loves to bring their blended family of four daughters together for a cozy Thanksgiving meal.

At this point, they think they’ve got their Thanksgiving on lock. But when it comes to holiday etiquette, there’s always room for improvement — especially in a year when tensions can run high, no matter how tasty the turkey is. Can you talk about politics politely? Is there a delicate way to handle a cooking fail? How do you decide whose family you have dinner with?

Etiquette expert Elaine Swann has the answers. Here’s what she taught Amy and T.J. about the finer points of hosting, guesting and dinner table conversation.

Do politics have a place at the table?

Amy and T.J.’s way

Amy Robach: I’ve actually told my daughters: We are not discussing politics. We are not discussing religion. If, for any reason, you find yourself in the conversation, do not engage.

I would love for us to be able to enlighten one another and keep our hearts open through those conversations because we trust and love one another. But I have seen it go sideways too often, and I have had enough difficult moments on vacations and holidays that I choose peace instead. And I always tell my daughters, “It’s better to be kind than to be right.”

T.J. Holmes: In the ears of her daughters, though, it sounds like she’s just saying to them, “Y’all don’t know shit! You ain’t lived through nothing!” And that’s all that they hear.

Where do you think it leaves people in the position like me: You’re visiting in-laws, and it’s that kind of hostile environment? Do you recommend that we just go find our own hiding place and stay out of it? Because it gets … awkward.

The expert says

Elaine Swann: Amy, what that tells me is that you know your family. If you know that your family cannot enter into a heartfelt — even heated yet meaningful — conversation without it going completely sideways, then that is a good guideline to set.

But I do believe that this year, it’s important for folks to be able to express themselves, but to do so with some parameters. If you’re going to talk about politics, my recommendation is for the host to carve out some time and space and set some ground rules. Maybe you can’t talk about politics before dinner, but you can after, or vice versa. Provide another room in the house for that kind of conversation and send in a respected family member to be the moderator and reel folks back in if things get out of hand. Set the expectation that these conversations are not about telling others they’re wrong, but to share info and speak to be understood.

If you find yourself in the middle or on the sidelines of a heated debate, find a way to physically separate yourself, because even if you’re just standing there quietly, people can interpret that as you being on one side or the other. Find another person or activity that you can connect with. But do not engage.

TJH: Do you recommend that these conversations happen before the beer and the wine start flowing?

ES: Absolutely. Keep the libations out of the conversation!

Gratitude for even the bad food?

Amy and T.J.’s way

TJH: Is there food etiquette when it comes to a guest bringing something that we all look at and know it’s gonna be nasty? What is the proper thing to do with a dish that is not popular? How do you be polite to someone whose dish is not popular?

AR: Aka fruitcake.

The expert says

ES: Polite does not equal pushover. And we should not be contorting ourselves in order to appease someone else, because then that person will continue to bring that every single year.

If you’re ever trying something new and you’re not quite sure about it, take a small amount onto your plate and take an even smaller bite. But if you know that it’s horrible, do not put it on your plate, do not eat it when the person offers it. You say, “No, thank you, I would rather not.” And they will be offended, and they will be upset. Let them be offended and let them be upset. It’s them that has to work through that. But do not take ownership of someone else’s feelings, especially when it comes to something you have to consume.

AR: Oh, my God. I love what you just said: Don’t take ownership of someone else’s feelings. I need that tattooed on my arm.

Getting into the celebratory spirit

Amy and T.J.’s way

TJH: For me, to make it feel celebratory, it’s a matter of who’s there, because I don’t make an effort that often to gather a big group of friends together. But the special occasion is that we’re together; it doesn't have to be somebody’s birthday, a holiday or celebrating a promotion. When we make the effort to get together, it’s celebratory.

AR: T.J., you got this from your father, and it’s really cute: It doesn’t matter if there are two people at the celebration or 10, you’re cooking for 30. So there is always more food than you could possibly need. It’s about abundance as a show of love.

TJH: I take pride in it. I love when people come over and take the leftovers. I’m used to when people come over and I’m feeding the village. And I’m from the South, with a big family, so that’s what’s always felt celebratory for me.

AR: For our family, a celebratory meal also means having a signature dish. My daughters know that every Thanksgiving and Christmas meal, there is going to be the potato country bake, which came from my grandmother and has all the gross Southern casserole things: cream of chicken soup, hash browns, sour cream, cornflakes, green onions, cheddar cheese.

The expert says

ES: What makes a meal celebratory to me is the presentation and the tone that is set for the entire environment. For example, the moment that folks hit your home, they should start to feel it. It doesn’t have to be just the table. When they walk in the door, you can have a scented candle toward the entrance that sets the physical mood. The decor that’s in the home — even if you are using paper products, it doesn’t matter — it can be festive.

As a host, I think it’s really great to already have some preplanned leftover containers ready for folks to take with them when you’re cooking one of those abundant meals.

TJH: You just described our home every day. It’s a big thing for us: To always have candles going, to always make it feel special.

AR: That’s a great idea about the leftover containers — so you don’t have to keep eating it.

With big and blended families, how do you choose where to be?

Amy and T.J.’s way

TJH: Since I was a freshman in college, I’ve never come home for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I’ve always been working, so my parents have gotten used to me not being there. If I called them and said I was coming home, they would think I was dying.

[Amy] Robes and I have established our own little household and family that includes the kids in college and a kid in seventh grade in New York, so we have to have a home base for them for Thanksgiving and Christmas. So if any of our family or in-laws doesn’t like it, they can call me!

AR: As life got more complicated, that answer became easier. What we did for a living, the way we came up through local and cable news, we worked every holiday. So Thanksgiving and Christmas were never holidays for us. If we were lucky, they were overtime. We would try to see our families at some point, but almost never on Thanksgiving or Christmas. Now add to that having divorces and blended families — we are now as blended as you get — so that becomes the priority: Making sure that your children have a place to come home to.

The expert says

ES: If you have a family member that isn’t always there for the holidays, but they decide to come, it’s important to follow the story in the Bible: The son was gone for a long time, and when he came back, he was welcomed with open arms. It’s important to honor people when they are present, as opposed to talking about why they weren’t present previously. Remember to live in the moment and be thankful for those moments we do have together.

How do you keep an attitude of gratitude amid the holiday chaos?

Amy and T.J.’s way

TJH: It took me time, training and experience to get to that point and appreciate what I have and not get so worked up and complain about anything. I don’t know if I’ve tricked myself, but I don’t ever do comparative suffering. I stay in the moment and always remember that I’m just grateful for what I have, not compared to anybody else.

AR: As I’ve gotten older and lived enough life and had moments when I was forced to recognize that time is our greatest commodity, now gratitude just comes naturally to me. I’m so grateful for a birthday. Like, yes, let the numbers keep ticking up because we should celebrate that. How lucky are we to have another year? Gratitude might’ve been difficult when I was younger, but it is not hard now. I’m very aware of how lucky we are to all be here, and to have the people we love around the table with us is the gravy.

The expert says

ES: When things get a little out of hand, this is where we have to do some self-inventory and accountability. So, if you’re the type of person who can get into a kerfuffle, tell somebody, “If you see me getting a little frazzled, give me a reminder to reel it in.” Be honest with yourself about what your triggers are. Is it too much noise? Do I get over-stimulated? Figure out what that is and reason with yourself on how to respond, and get someone that loves and respects you to help you be accountable.

That touches on the core values of etiquette that I teach: respect, honesty and consideration.

Don’t make these faux pas at the in-laws’

Amy and T.J.’s way

TJH: In my family, growing up, it was a big faux pas to not help clean up after dinner. It was just understood that nobody walked out the door without offering to clean. Or, if someone showed up with a date or somebody he wasn’t familiar with, my grandfather would grill that person. It was entertaining, but he would flat-out say, “Who’s this mo-fo here in my house?”

AR: My mom was one of nine, my dad was one of six, so Thanksgiving was always a huge potluck, and you always showed up with a dish. It was a big faux pas to not come with something. Even if it was a bottle of wine or store-bought pumpkin pie, you brought something to the table.

The expert says

ES: A faux pas is to bring food to the potluck and everyone enjoys it and, if there’s leftovers of your dish, packing it up and taking it back home with you, instead of leaving it there.

AR: I have a question, Elaine. If you bring a bottle of wine to the party, is it rude for you then to drink that wine, because it’s for the host and not for the party?

TJH: I’ll take that one, Elaine. I got it. Yes!

AR: I have been known to bring wine that I want, because I know the host isn’t going to have the kind I want. … I’m kind of teasing, it was rhetorical.

ES: If you bring wine, it’s not for you; it’s for the host. They can open it whenever they want to. They do not even have to serve it at that party. Even though it’s wine and it’s consumable, it’s like bringing someone a sweater as a gift, and you’re forcing them to, No. 1, open the sweater right then and there, or you open their sweater and you wear it yourself right there.